Setting Boundaries After Emotional Abuse

Why Boundaries Can Feel So Hard Now

When saying no once led to arguments, silence, or guilt, your body may react to small requests as if the same thing will happen again. That reaction made sense at the time. In therapy, Marie can help you notice the predictions that show up, such as "they'll be furious" or "I'll lose them," and look at whether those predictions fit the people in your life today. Together, you can test those predictions gently, one situation at a time, and update them based on what actually happens.

Start With Low-Stakes Situations

Boundaries do not have to begin with your hardest relationship. Some people practice with smaller moments: declining an extra shift, asking a friend to text before calling, or leaving a gathering when they are tired. Each small experience gives you real information about how people respond. CBT often uses this kind of step-by-step practice, planned together so it feels doable rather than overwhelming. Afterward, you can review what you expected, what happened, and what you learned.

Short and Clear Usually Works Better

Many people who leave difficult relationships over-explain, trying to make their reasons airtight. Long justifications can invite debate. A short, kind statement, such as "I'm not able to do that this week," is often enough. In sessions, you can draft and rehearse phrases that sound like you, then reflect on how they went in real life. It can also help to plan what you will do if someone pushes back, such as repeating your statement once and then ending the conversation. Having a plan ahead of time makes it easier to stay steady in the moment.

Boundaries With a Former Partner

Boundaries with someone who was controlling can involve real safety questions, not only communication skills. If you have concerns about how a former partner may react, speaking with an advocate can help. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available at 1-800-799-7233. Call 911 if you are in immediate danger, or call or text 988 in a crisis. Therapy can work alongside that kind of safety planning. Any plan should reflect your own judgment about what is safe.

Getting Support

Marie offers a free 15-minute consultation for teens, young adults, and adults. Keep contact form messages brief; there is no need to share details there. Ask about online therapy in Oregon or current Portland office availability and days. On the call, you can describe the kinds of boundaries that feel hardest and ask how CBT might help you practice them. Teens and parents can ask how family members are involved and what stays private.

Questions You May Have