Relationship Series: Am I Being Emotionally Manipulated? Practical advice to avoid twisted mind games by recognizing the "Warning Signs" that you may be in a psychologically abusive relationship

Blog #1: PART 1

Post Break-up, people are desperate for some form of mental sanity and go to therapy. It makes perfect sense – right? Post Break-up is an ideal time to process and heal from a relationship ending. As most people can attest to, the end of a significant partner relationship is devastating, and there begins the search for answers and the “hidden meaning” to it all. The purpose is to learn from “mistakes” – we protect ourselves from the path that led to way to too much hurt, emotional pain, and countless tears. No one wants to experience these gut-wrenching emotional experiences ever again. (I get it; I’ve been there too).

In an earnest quest for “answers,” people post break-up come into therapy desperate or reluctantly, sometimes begrudgingly. The culmination of deep hurt, sadness, and overwhelming pain are the intuitive signals for your personal journey. For example, they are the yield signs, the yellow light on a traffic signal, or the stop sign. As you travel through this journey, the benefits of therapy become evident and even enjoyable at times. The best way I can break it down is this: unraveling the “hidden meaning” or life lesson is our subconscious mind’s way of seeking “clues” to heal the current pain. It protects future heartbreaking emotional or physical pain by pivoting our decision-making process in a different direction - ideally, a healthier pathway. This pivot helps us regain our footing, and we ultimately regain control over our destiny.

This Relationship Series offers a practical proactive guide to avoid getting entangled into an unhealthy relationship with an emotional manipulator, AKA the narcissist. Simply put, I am providing you with a preventative plan rather than a treatment plan. Similarly, for example, a guide to prevent diabetes rather than treat diabetes. I provide recognizable “warning signs.” These “tell-tale” warning signs are the ‘tried and true’ control tactics that a narcissist uses to dodge accountability for their behavior. Their control tactics trigger an intense emotional response from you. Your emotional response to their manipulative behavior is how they maximize control over you, thus repeating the pattern of emotional manipulation and control. This dance between partners is an unhealthy, rocky foundation for many reasons, on many levels. Let’s start at the root of what’s going on here. 

Healthy Relationship Rule #1: Healthy relationships are built on a solid foundation of both Trust and Respect. It takes time to build real love that’s healthy. Genuine love grows over time with mutual care and respect. Respect means holding the perspective of a dating partner as an independent person: You have your own thoughts, feelings, and ideas about your life and the kind of person you want to add to it. The start of a new dating relationship is an ideal time to emotionally “check-in” with yourself about your new dating partner’s family background, attachment style, quality of relationships, and interpersonal and communication style. When it comes to building trust, it takes time for someone to demonstrate that they’re worthy of your trust and time, not simply through their words and actions, but through you trusting yourself. This is what I call listening to your gut, or “initial emotional impression.”

Questions to ask yourself: What is fundamentally important to me in my life? Am I ready to date? Am I interested in dating or do I want a relationship? What are my "must-haves" in an intimate partner relationship? Do I want the kind of relationship dynamic my parents have/had? Do I want the opposite of the kind of relationship my parents have/had? How do I feel when I’m with the new person I'm dating? How do I feel about myself when we're together and when we're apart? What do I ultimately want and need for myself in my life? Now and in the future?

I highly recommend talking with trusted friends and family members when entering a new dating relationship. Talking in a meaningful way with friends and trusted allies can help keep you grounded and get perspective based on how well they know the real you - the person you were before you met your new dating partner. More importantly, your people are looking out for your best interest – meant to keep you firmly on your own life path. When swept off your feet, the exhilaration can make it hard to make sense of your own unmet emotional needs at play here (e.g., need to be wanted or loved, to be in a relationship).

All relationships, including friendships, pose some element of emotional risk. It’s what I call the “vulnerability factor.” Through consistent emotional support, your friendships and family relationships can become pillars of support and community-building. As you navigate your inner self toward healthier avenues to uphold your identity and the respect you deserve, seeking a mental health professional to speak with can provide additional needed support.

By starting this blog, I am taking action to counteract the damaging psychological impact of narcissistic abuse in the form of lies, emotional manipulation, and coercive control that I have been witness to in countless people’s lives. By offering this proactive guide, I illustrate many unhealthy relationship trends that are preventable. In developing a road map for yourself and your life journey, you can make decisions guided by your own compass accompanied by the “collective personal and clinical wisdom” - based on people's real-life experiences - I offer here. In combination with your own personal psychotherapy, this can be a powerful tool to strengthen your inner self to shield against entering your next unhealthy or “toxic” relationship.